I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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