Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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