Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
