honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
