I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
