I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
