just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
