I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize