I can text with my tongue
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
