he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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