Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
