if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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