mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Still dying that you shit outside
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
