mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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