Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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