I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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