How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Randomize
