Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
