i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I didn't notice because vodka
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
