soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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