I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
