everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
