My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
