I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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