My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
