dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
