I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
