I just pynch a tree in the face
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
