I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
