Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
