I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
As shirtless as possible
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
