Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
