God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
