And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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