Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Randomize