Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Floor bacon is actually really good
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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