my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
