What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize