she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
you told grandpa to call you daddy
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
