I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
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