whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
