when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
soo... how was my night?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
