yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
