So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
