The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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