all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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