He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
