It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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