Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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