i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
