I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
