Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
