Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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